Hit and Run
by Loveon
Summary: In which Professor Birch hits someone with his jeep, suggests hit and run, refuses to say his child's name, and won't stop trying to jump into his jeep. Crack-fic.


"Oh my Arceus, I killed him! I killed him! I killed him!"

Brendan Birch said nothing as he leaned over the body of a person that his father just hit with his jeep while driving recklessly. He poked the person with his foot. It didn't move.

"Dad, you should drive more carefully in the rain, you know? Especially in place you've never been to before," Brendan said.

His father, the Pokémon professor of the Hoenn region, continued running around his jeep, shouting that he killed the person he hit. Brendan shook his head and looked down at the body yet again. It was quite dark outside due to the rainy weather, but Brendan could see that the person his father hit was a blonde man. He had a coat on, although it was drenched and covered in mud.

"…Hit and run!"

"What?" Brendan asked and looked back at his father yet again, who had stopped running around and stood there in an odd pose.

"Quick, child, get in the Birchmobile!" Birch shouted and attempted to jump into his jeep, which failed as he was unable to jump high enough to get over the door. "We're running!"

"…What?"

"Hit and run, my son! Hit and run!" Birch said. "Hurry, get in the Birchmobile!"

Brendan looked back at the body. "…We can't just leave him here."

"You're right!" Birch gasped. "We'll take him with us and dump him into the ocean!"

"…No," Brendan sighed.

"Bury him?"

"No."

"Leave him in front of a hospital?"

"There aren't any hospitals around."

Birch began to start up his jeep, pressing on the gas pedal in order for it to make noises. It sounded like the jeep was going to break down. "We'll leave him here! Come on, hurry up!"

Brendan poked the man once again. He still didn't move. "But what'll happen to him?"

"Some wild Pokémon'll find him, eat him, you know… The food chain!" Birch said.

"Don't give me that food chain crap!" Brendan shouted. "Are you a man?!"

"I would hope so," Birch answered.

"Then start thinking like one! What would a MAN do in this kind of situation?"

Birch tightened his grip on the steering wheel. "A real man would do this!"

He slammed on the gas and the car shot forwards, slamming into Brendan and throwing him back across the mud road. The car then ran over the man before coming to a stop.

"_That's_ what a man would do!" Birch said, nodding approvingly at himself. "Was that good enough, my offspring?"

Birch squinted ahead and saw another body lying in the road ahead of him. "Oh my Arceus, I just killed my son!" he shouted and tried to jump out of his car. He failed and fell over the edge of the car, landing face first into the ground.

Birch hurried over to his motionless child. "Child! Speak to me, child! I. Am. Your. Father! SPEAK, CHILD!"

Brendan started coughing and Birch gasped in surprise. "You're alive!"

"Dad?"

"Yes?"

"You totally suck."

"But wasn't that what a real man would do?"

"Yeah. A real drunk man."

Birch stood up, pulling Brendan up with him. "Well, let's go, my son!"

"Why aren't you calling me by my name?!"

"Because, you are my son and I am your father. Therefore, I do."

"You do what?"

"I do what I do."

Birch walked to his car and yet again tried to jump into it. Needless to say, he failed. This time, however, the jeep lurched forward slowly and began heading down the road, which was apparently on a slope as the car was moving by itself. Brendan jumped out of the way of the runaway car and it soon disappeared out of sight.

"See?" Birch said. "Even the Birchmobile thinks that hit and run is the right thing to do!"

Brendan sighed. "Well, how're we supposed to find our ways back to that place, the Fight Area, was it? We don't have a car!"

"Maybe someone'll find us!" Birch said excitedly.

All of a sudden, the man that Birch had hit and that they both thought was dead jumped up and looked at them both with a wild, crazy look on his face.

"Me!" the man shouted. "Me, Palmer!"

"Uh…"

"You! You crazy!"

"No, no, the crazy one here is you."

The man screamed and jumped into the trees. He continued his screeching and his voice drifted farther and farther away until it abruptly stopped.

"…Sinnoh is really full of crazy people, isn't it?" Brendan mumbled.

"I'm telling you, my son, we should've hit and run," Birch said and Brendan sighed.


End file.
